I have been rather resistant about writing the following blog posting. The main reason being that I know that several of my regular readers will find what I have to say rather “flaky”, to say the least, and may perhaps have some concerns for my sanity! However, I have undertaken to chronicle my ongoing journey toward discovering my life’s purpose and each week I write about that which is top of mind for me at the time of writing. And, after all, this is MY blog and I don’t compel anyone to continue reading it! So, here goes:
I have had quite a few people lately asking me versions of the following question, “But, Lisa, what is it that you DO all day?” I think this is mainly because I have always been such a busy, active do-er that it is difficult to comprehend that I have spent the last 4 months doing nothing much at all! However, these questions from friends and family, and my own uncertainty, have led to some anxiety and I have started to ask myself whether I have progressed at all in finding my life’s purpose, which is what I set out to do at the start of this adventure. As I was unable to answer this question with any degree of clarity or certainty, I decided to hold the question in my mind whilst meditating and specifically request input and assistance from my spiritual guide.
Until 3 or 4 years ago I had a guide called Elizabeth. She had a very warm, nurturing energy and she simply held me in her unconditional love until I was able to find love for myself. After this I became aware of a “changing of the guard” and I knew that Elizabeth had moved on to do other tasks, her work with me complete. I was assigned another guide about whom I knew very little. He had a far more “masculine”, sometimes rather intimidating, energy and I always experienced his presence as a vast cloud of intense blue light. I had a sense of immense integrity, clarity, truth and trustworthiness about my new guide. This was a far less personal relationship than the one I had enjoyed with Elizabeth and I was led to understand that this was a “grown-up guide for a maturing soul”. I haven’t really felt the need or the desire to find out more about my new guide during the past few years. However, my question about my life’s purpose led me to directly ask for his assistance for the first time this week. Below is the conversation that ensued.
Actually the conversation did not take place in words at all, but rather I was immediately presented with fully formulated concepts (some of which were rather surprising to me!) every time I held a question in my mind. I subsequently “translated” the concepts into words (losing a great deal of the richness and meaning in the translation, I might add). However, even the final version in words, below, offers a great deal of insight and value to my current situation.
Lisa: Am I “on course” in my life; am I doing what I am supposed to be doing?
Guide: Do we really need to regress to childhood again at this point?!
You KNOW that you are exactly where you should be and doing exactly what you should be doing. It is artifice and counter-productive to pretend that you don’t know. Life is not served by your acting small or ignorant.
Lisa: OK, I guess I do know, but it seems to be taking so long to find my life’s purpose. What is it that I need to be learning right now?
Guide: Patience and humility.
You are done with accomplishments for now. It is your partner’s turn to shine. You need to sit quietly in the ever-expanding knowledge of who you REALLY are without constantly feeling the need to remind everyone of who your ego thinks you are.
Lisa: But isn’t this a terrible waste of my talents and abilities?
Guide: Do you really believe that your greatest talents are associated with the personality, called Lisa? Your greatest talents lie in your BEING, not in Lisa’s DOING. In this lifetime you chose to have the potential to be or do anything you wanted. However, NOW you have to realize that your true value and worth have absolutely nothing to do with Lisa’s achievements, talents and potential.
You have been viewing the finding of your life’s purpose as yet another achievement to add to your long list!
That is why I tell you that, until you can sit quietly in the knowledge of who you truly are and relinquish your ceaseless hunger for achievement, affirmation and sense of accomplishment, you will not find your true life’s purpose.
Purpose can never be about ego. So, sit still and BE.
Lisa: OK, I accept all this because I know it to be true. But what should I DO in the meantime?
Guide: In every moment, ask yourself, “How best might I serve Life in this moment?” Then, do that.
Lisa: How will I know what that is? Sometimes I feel so alone. Will I receive help and guidance?
Guide: Again, this is the question of a spiritual child. You are fully aware that you receive absolutely all the assistance you require whenever you need it.
Well, I guess it couldn’t get much clearer that that! I can tell you that my ego didn’t like this conversation one little bit! My ego wants to have big and important and serious stuff to do and patience has always been one of my weaknesses. So, I guess that is exactly why I am in the perfect place right now to learn this lesson.
And so the journey continues…
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
"Baboon Matters"
Yesterday afternoon as I stood frozen, scarcely daring to breathe, a huge alpha male baboon casually sauntered past, barely half a metre from my position! I had already watched the self-same individual engaged in a ferocious tree-top territory battle with another male, accompanied by blood-curdling screams and a barrage of pine cones and broken branches that rained down upon us as we stood watching, transfixed. I had never dreamed that I would get THAT close to a wild baboon troupe and be able to observe them in their natural habitat, engaging in their normal social (anti-social?!!) behaviour. This troupe are never fed by humans and have therefore not come to associate humans with food. However, due to the daily presence of the baboon monitors (more about these later), they have become habituated to human presence, hence their rather casual attitude to our being there.
My partner and I had heard about an organisation called, "Baboon Matters", which comprises a handful of volunteers working to raise awareness of the plight of baboons in South Africa. Baboon
Matters also do baboon rescue and rehabilitation, baboon troupe management, as well as training. The 2-hour walk with the troupe of Chacma baboons we did in Noordhoek on the Cape Peninsula accompanied by our trained guide, Mzukisi, is aimed at raising awareness and also assists in fund raising for the work of the organisation. Mzukisi started out as a "Baboon Monitor"
trained by the staff at Baboon Matters. The Monitors play a vital role in ensuring that the baboon troupes do not clash with the human inhabitants of various areas in the Cape Peninsula. The baboon troupes are followed by the monitors and are herded to safer areas using shouts, whistles and clapping if they get too close to human habitations. This minimises conflict between humans and baboons and ensures the ongoing survival of the troupes, which are protected in the Cape Peninsula.
As we will very shortly be living in the forests of Knysna, which are home to several wild baboon troupes, we had decided to educate ourselves about baboons so that we can find a way to live in harmony with the baboons we come into contact with. Mostly baboons are considered pests or vermin and are often shot by people living on the edges of their territory. Clearly this is just NOT an option for us and so we need to find other management strategies. I was particularly concerned about how to keep the baboons away from our vegetable garden, out of our home and also how to manage the interaction between our dogs and wild baboons. We were given loads of tips and ideas on how to manage our future interactions with baboons. The walk was an incredibly exciting, heartwarming and very educational experience, which I really recommend to anyone interested in a completely different wildlife experience.
Below are some photos:
This is my favourite!
Aint life great?
Oh no, what have I done!
Kids!
Mom's taxi
Maternal bliss
A mother's love
Yet another cutie
That feels SOOO good!!
Baboons spend hours carefully grooming each other to remove ticks and fleas
A group of baboons
Ho hum! Yet ANOTHER photo shoot!
The teenage years can be SO confusing!
Alpha male patrolling his territory
Mzukisi, the guide, and my own tame baboon
Next: Spiritual Guidance
My partner and I had heard about an organisation called, "Baboon Matters", which comprises a handful of volunteers working to raise awareness of the plight of baboons in South Africa. Baboon
Matters also do baboon rescue and rehabilitation, baboon troupe management, as well as training. The 2-hour walk with the troupe of Chacma baboons we did in Noordhoek on the Cape Peninsula accompanied by our trained guide, Mzukisi, is aimed at raising awareness and also assists in fund raising for the work of the organisation. Mzukisi started out as a "Baboon Monitor"
trained by the staff at Baboon Matters. The Monitors play a vital role in ensuring that the baboon troupes do not clash with the human inhabitants of various areas in the Cape Peninsula. The baboon troupes are followed by the monitors and are herded to safer areas using shouts, whistles and clapping if they get too close to human habitations. This minimises conflict between humans and baboons and ensures the ongoing survival of the troupes, which are protected in the Cape Peninsula.
As we will very shortly be living in the forests of Knysna, which are home to several wild baboon troupes, we had decided to educate ourselves about baboons so that we can find a way to live in harmony with the baboons we come into contact with. Mostly baboons are considered pests or vermin and are often shot by people living on the edges of their territory. Clearly this is just NOT an option for us and so we need to find other management strategies. I was particularly concerned about how to keep the baboons away from our vegetable garden, out of our home and also how to manage the interaction between our dogs and wild baboons. We were given loads of tips and ideas on how to manage our future interactions with baboons. The walk was an incredibly exciting, heartwarming and very educational experience, which I really recommend to anyone interested in a completely different wildlife experience.
Below are some photos:
This is my favourite!
Aint life great?
Oh no, what have I done!
Kids!
Mom's taxi
Maternal bliss
A mother's love
Yet another cutie
That feels SOOO good!!
Baboons spend hours carefully grooming each other to remove ticks and fleas
A group of baboons
Ho hum! Yet ANOTHER photo shoot!
The teenage years can be SO confusing!
Alpha male patrolling his territory
Mzukisi, the guide, and my own tame baboon
Next: Spiritual Guidance
Friday, April 23, 2010
Pause for thought
Yesterday I had a very interesting and challenging discussion with a dear friend and erstwhile authority figure in my life whom I had not seen for several months. This friend told me that, in his opinion, I was being selfish and cowardly in relinquishing my previous life, my career and all its responsibilities and my opportunities for making a contribution in order to follow my heart to the Tsitsikamma forest. He also said that my ideas made no sense at all to him and he indicated that he thought I was deluded or possibly under the influence of some external influencing person or circumstance. Furthermore he told me that he thought I considered myself more “noble” or somehow superior to others because of the choices I was making about the kind of life I wished to live.
What struck me very powerfully about this interaction is that just a few short months ago I would have been absolutely devastated to have heard this person’s negative opinion of myself and my venture. It had always been really important to me to do the “right” thing in order to be considered in a favourable light, particularly by the authority figures in my life. I suppose I believed that I really needed “daddy’s” approval. I had always gone to some considerable lengths to determine what I thought would be the “most right” thing to do and then I would do it, whatever the personal cost. But it didn’t actually bring me that much satisfaction or happiness; certainly not the level of happiness that I now experience whilst doing what my heart guides me to do.
I guess I find that I am now far more interested in being happy than in being “right”!
So, although I can see that many would view what I am doing as wrong or misguided or selfish or ignoble, it somehow doesn’t really matter that much to me because what I am doing is making me happy in a way that I could never have imagined before. This doesn’t mean that I no longer care about my friends and acquaintances from my past – quite the opposite – I care a great deal and I wish for them to have happy and fulfilled lives doing whatever brings them the most satisfaction. I am just no longer willing to sacrifice my own happiness in order to be accepted and loved or in order to have the dubious, and rather empty, satisfaction of believing myself to be doing the “right” thing.
The second thing that struck me about my conversation with my friend yesterday is that it was an immense gift.
Initially when I took the decision to follow my heart I had anticipated all kinds of resistance from friends, family and colleagues. I was really surprised when that was not the case. Mostly people just told me that they wished they had the courage and/or the opportunity to do what I was doing and just about everyone expressed support and good wishes for my new life. Subsequently I have met many new friends, both online and elsewhere, who have expressed support and comprehension for what I am doing. So I suppose I have started to develop a very distorted picture of how most people would perceive my choices. Probably those who found my ideas and choices strange or weird or threatening either did not continue reading my blog, or else did not interact with me.
Yesterday’s meeting was a huge eye-opener and therefore a gift. It allowed me to see my situation and myself from a completely different perspective.
This meeting gave me a much greater insight into what I am requiring of my loved ones in expecting them to accept the choices I am making. And I can also see that some of my choices are causing a great deal of pain and discomfort for people who have been really important in my life. While my friend was talking I found that I was able to look behind his rather harsh words to see the hurt, loss and sense of betrayal that he had experienced as a result of my choices.
When we decide to assume certain roles in life it is like putting on a set of clothing. After a while our friends and colleagues grow accustomed to seeing us in those clothes and it can cause a great deal of confusion, anger or even a sense of betrayal if we decide to reject the set of clothing in favour of another. It is possible that some could even experience this as a rejection of themselves, their friendship or their value systems; possibly even an act of aggression. I had spent a whole lot of time and effort and energy in building up a “persona” which people had come to know and rely upon and I can imagine that it could have been really difficult for some to relinquish their attachment to that specific version of me.
Does any of this make me doubt whether what I am doing is a valid choice for me? Absolutely not. I know in my heart that what I am doing is completely right for me and, for the first time in my life, I don’t require the approval or the validation of anyone or anything external to myself to corroborate that for me.
Do I know where this journey of mine will end? No, again! When some accuse me of not having a proper plan, I have no defense at all, because they are completely right! But somehow that doesn’t really matter because I don’t feel the need to defend my choices or myself anymore. I don’t feel the need to be “right”. My plan is to simply follow my heart in every moment to that which brings me the most happiness.
Is this cowardly?
Is this irresponsible?
Is this selfish?
Does that matter?
And so the journey continues…
What struck me very powerfully about this interaction is that just a few short months ago I would have been absolutely devastated to have heard this person’s negative opinion of myself and my venture. It had always been really important to me to do the “right” thing in order to be considered in a favourable light, particularly by the authority figures in my life. I suppose I believed that I really needed “daddy’s” approval. I had always gone to some considerable lengths to determine what I thought would be the “most right” thing to do and then I would do it, whatever the personal cost. But it didn’t actually bring me that much satisfaction or happiness; certainly not the level of happiness that I now experience whilst doing what my heart guides me to do.
I guess I find that I am now far more interested in being happy than in being “right”!
So, although I can see that many would view what I am doing as wrong or misguided or selfish or ignoble, it somehow doesn’t really matter that much to me because what I am doing is making me happy in a way that I could never have imagined before. This doesn’t mean that I no longer care about my friends and acquaintances from my past – quite the opposite – I care a great deal and I wish for them to have happy and fulfilled lives doing whatever brings them the most satisfaction. I am just no longer willing to sacrifice my own happiness in order to be accepted and loved or in order to have the dubious, and rather empty, satisfaction of believing myself to be doing the “right” thing.
The second thing that struck me about my conversation with my friend yesterday is that it was an immense gift.
Initially when I took the decision to follow my heart I had anticipated all kinds of resistance from friends, family and colleagues. I was really surprised when that was not the case. Mostly people just told me that they wished they had the courage and/or the opportunity to do what I was doing and just about everyone expressed support and good wishes for my new life. Subsequently I have met many new friends, both online and elsewhere, who have expressed support and comprehension for what I am doing. So I suppose I have started to develop a very distorted picture of how most people would perceive my choices. Probably those who found my ideas and choices strange or weird or threatening either did not continue reading my blog, or else did not interact with me.
Yesterday’s meeting was a huge eye-opener and therefore a gift. It allowed me to see my situation and myself from a completely different perspective.
This meeting gave me a much greater insight into what I am requiring of my loved ones in expecting them to accept the choices I am making. And I can also see that some of my choices are causing a great deal of pain and discomfort for people who have been really important in my life. While my friend was talking I found that I was able to look behind his rather harsh words to see the hurt, loss and sense of betrayal that he had experienced as a result of my choices.
When we decide to assume certain roles in life it is like putting on a set of clothing. After a while our friends and colleagues grow accustomed to seeing us in those clothes and it can cause a great deal of confusion, anger or even a sense of betrayal if we decide to reject the set of clothing in favour of another. It is possible that some could even experience this as a rejection of themselves, their friendship or their value systems; possibly even an act of aggression. I had spent a whole lot of time and effort and energy in building up a “persona” which people had come to know and rely upon and I can imagine that it could have been really difficult for some to relinquish their attachment to that specific version of me.
Does any of this make me doubt whether what I am doing is a valid choice for me? Absolutely not. I know in my heart that what I am doing is completely right for me and, for the first time in my life, I don’t require the approval or the validation of anyone or anything external to myself to corroborate that for me.
Do I know where this journey of mine will end? No, again! When some accuse me of not having a proper plan, I have no defense at all, because they are completely right! But somehow that doesn’t really matter because I don’t feel the need to defend my choices or myself anymore. I don’t feel the need to be “right”. My plan is to simply follow my heart in every moment to that which brings me the most happiness.
Is this cowardly?
Is this irresponsible?
Is this selfish?
Does that matter?
And so the journey continues…
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A narrow escape
I’m standing ankle deep in mud in the pouring rain on a deserted gravel country road at dusk, kilometers away from the nearest farm. I’m shivering from the cold because I’m dressed in a t-shirt, flip-flops and thin cotton pants, but also because of the shock of what has just happened. In front of me is the appalling spectacle of our car balancing on two tires at a 45-degree angle on the sandy verge of the road. The only thing between the car and the precipitous drop into the deep gorge below are a few scrubby bushes and small saplings.
Whilst negotiating a steep downhill turn, our car tires slipped on the treacherous wet clay on the road surface and the car careened across the road before coming to a halt in its current position. Climbing out of the car was terrifying because we feared that our shifting weight would send the car plummeting down into the gorge. It was also quite a feat to climb out uphill, over the handbrake and across the drivers seat, with the car at that angle. Fortunately we were both absolutely unharmed and the car only required a wheel balancing and alignment and a bit of panel beating work on the front fender. A miraculous escape indeed!
Despite the drama of this situation, it has turned out to be an incredibly wonderful experience. We have learnt a few important things:
Firstly, ABS brakes can only do so much – zooty city cars are just not suited for life in the forest! We definitely need a 4-wheel drive vehicle if we’re going to be able to drive safely in all weather conditions in our forest hideaway.
Secondly, no person is an island, particularly when living in remote and wilder parts of the world. As city dwellers we have come to anticipate that assistance will not be forthcoming if one finds oneself in a difficult situation and that considerable financial or other incentive is required in order to get out of a pickle. However, it seems that country people are very different from city people. We were overwhelmed by the kind assistance and support with which we were showered in the forest. A neighbour came to fetch us in his 4-wheel drive vehicle. He personally phoned around to find us the cheapest rescue service (after ascertaining that it would be impossible to tow us out himself), even going so far as to telephonically enlist his son’s assistance to find us the best deal. He sat chatting to us in his vehicle for over 45 minutes until the rescue truck arrived and then stayed with his vehicle’s lights flashing so as to warn oncoming traffic of the rescue underway. Then, when we discovered that our car could still drive, he took us back to his place to stay in his guest cottage overnight. I have never appreciated a warm shower, a hot meal and a soft, warm bed as much as I did that night!
The third thing I learnt is that moments of physical danger and heightened adrenaline result in unsurpassed clarity about one’s priorities. Whilst standing on that lonely country road, a strange sense of calm descended upon me and I realized that, despite the current difficulties, I was EXACTLY where I wanted to be and doing EXACTLY what I wanted to be doing! In addition, I had created this experience to show myself EXACTLY that! All the petty and irritating little details and uncertainties of the past few days dealing with agents, builders and architects just seemed to melt away into insignificance and I knew again with absolute certainty that following my heart to the forest is the right thing for me to do. The details will all work out in the end; the important thing is to get myself to my heart’s home.
As an aside, our neighbour told us that the people living in the area had declined the municipal offer of a tar road and that they would in fact sign a petition against the treacherous gravel road being tarred in future. Despite our recent experience, I’m pretty sure I would sign that petition as well! The place is special and unspoiled exactly because it is so remote and inaccessible and it should be preserved just as it is.
Only one more month to go and we will be moving to Paradise.
And so the journey continues…
Next: Pause for thought
Whilst negotiating a steep downhill turn, our car tires slipped on the treacherous wet clay on the road surface and the car careened across the road before coming to a halt in its current position. Climbing out of the car was terrifying because we feared that our shifting weight would send the car plummeting down into the gorge. It was also quite a feat to climb out uphill, over the handbrake and across the drivers seat, with the car at that angle. Fortunately we were both absolutely unharmed and the car only required a wheel balancing and alignment and a bit of panel beating work on the front fender. A miraculous escape indeed!
Despite the drama of this situation, it has turned out to be an incredibly wonderful experience. We have learnt a few important things:
Firstly, ABS brakes can only do so much – zooty city cars are just not suited for life in the forest! We definitely need a 4-wheel drive vehicle if we’re going to be able to drive safely in all weather conditions in our forest hideaway.
Secondly, no person is an island, particularly when living in remote and wilder parts of the world. As city dwellers we have come to anticipate that assistance will not be forthcoming if one finds oneself in a difficult situation and that considerable financial or other incentive is required in order to get out of a pickle. However, it seems that country people are very different from city people. We were overwhelmed by the kind assistance and support with which we were showered in the forest. A neighbour came to fetch us in his 4-wheel drive vehicle. He personally phoned around to find us the cheapest rescue service (after ascertaining that it would be impossible to tow us out himself), even going so far as to telephonically enlist his son’s assistance to find us the best deal. He sat chatting to us in his vehicle for over 45 minutes until the rescue truck arrived and then stayed with his vehicle’s lights flashing so as to warn oncoming traffic of the rescue underway. Then, when we discovered that our car could still drive, he took us back to his place to stay in his guest cottage overnight. I have never appreciated a warm shower, a hot meal and a soft, warm bed as much as I did that night!
The third thing I learnt is that moments of physical danger and heightened adrenaline result in unsurpassed clarity about one’s priorities. Whilst standing on that lonely country road, a strange sense of calm descended upon me and I realized that, despite the current difficulties, I was EXACTLY where I wanted to be and doing EXACTLY what I wanted to be doing! In addition, I had created this experience to show myself EXACTLY that! All the petty and irritating little details and uncertainties of the past few days dealing with agents, builders and architects just seemed to melt away into insignificance and I knew again with absolute certainty that following my heart to the forest is the right thing for me to do. The details will all work out in the end; the important thing is to get myself to my heart’s home.
As an aside, our neighbour told us that the people living in the area had declined the municipal offer of a tar road and that they would in fact sign a petition against the treacherous gravel road being tarred in future. Despite our recent experience, I’m pretty sure I would sign that petition as well! The place is special and unspoiled exactly because it is so remote and inaccessible and it should be preserved just as it is.
Only one more month to go and we will be moving to Paradise.
And so the journey continues…
Next: Pause for thought
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Return to Paradise
We’re back in Knysna again to meet with builders and architects and to finalise the admin associated with the purchase of our little piece of Heaven. I can’t even begin to describe how beautiful it is here, so I have decided to let the pictures do the talking.
Our driveway
This is part of the 8km gravel road that leads
through the indigenous forest to our property.
Gorge-eous views along the way!
Rush hour traffic
The beginning of the Gouna indigenous forest
Meeting the neighbours
These neighbours are still in their pajamas!
And THIS neighbour is in his very finest plumage
The big dam on our property (the small speck on the
far side is my partner, just to give you some idea of how big it is -
it's DAM big)
The smaller lily pond on our property
The view we will have from our verandah
A tree marking the border of our property
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Coping with impatience
I am probably the most impatient person I know. My talents lie in making things happen rather than in allowing things to happen! And so I have spent my life in an endless, frenetic flood of busy-ness with my eyes always firmly fixed on the future attainment of my goals. And this has worked very well for me in accomplishing most of the things I have wanted to achieve in this reality. However, right now this approach no longer seems to be working. I’m also pretty sure that it is not going to work in my new reality and it is definitely in direct opposition to my stated intent of being here-now.
But still, I often find myself frustrated with the delays in realizing my forest dream. Everything is just taking SO much longer than I had planned. Had I known at the end of December when I quit my corporate job that 3 months later I would still be in Cape Town, I would probably have completely flipped my lid! So, what, if anything, has “gone wrong”?
Well firstly, as I have decided to take responsibility for my creations, I have to accept that even the most frustrating delays are of my own making and are therefore absolutely perfect. I am no victim of circumstance, so, perhaps on some level, I am creating this breathing space, this moment in which to take stock and to prepare myself for what is coming.
And when I actually do stop, take a breath, and think about it for just a moment, I find it really difficult to explain exactly why I am in such a hurry. Everything is steadily progressing toward my stated intent, albeit slower than I had anticipated. Why am I in such a hurry to get to “the rest of my life”?
My life is right here, right now.
In addition, there are no external time limits or deadlines, other than those that I choose to impose. Is impatience merely a bad habit, a learned response that I must unlearn if I am to find lasting happiness in a new way of being?
The Buddhists tell us that, in this reality, "pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional". What they mean by this is that being human inevitably means some physical or emotional pain at some point, but that our response to that pain is what causes us to suffer or not. And most suffering is caused by resisting THAT WHICH IS.
My current “suffering” is caused by my resistance to being where I am right now and my desire to be somewhere else (ie: the forest). I am so busy rushing at top speed towards my future happiness that I have failed to notice how amazing this present moment is. And actually I have but a split second left in which to enjoy the city life. To be able to walk across the road and enjoy eating at 6 different restaurants in our street, to amble down the road to the DVD store at 9pm if I feel like watching a movie, to be within walking distance of 2 different malls, and all the other wonderful benefits of city life. I have but a few moments in which to cherish my beautiful “yuppie” home and all it’s wonderful memories before I have to hand it over to the new owners. I have a brief interlude in which to enjoy entertaining old acquaintances before moving on to my new life in which I definitely will not see them as often as in the past. Why not enjoy this moment right now instead of wishing it were over?
It’s equally useless to hanker after the past; to wish that relationships could be the way they used to be or that I could have the body I did 10 years ago. Because, of course, 10 years ago I wasn’t appreciating the body I had, but was rather focusing on all the things I needed to do in order to “improve it” in future. What a terrible waste! Right now I am the youngest I will ever be. Why not enjoy and cherish this moment? For it too will be over before I realize it. I think we do ourselves and the world a thousand small violences every day by resisting WHAT IS, rather than simply accepting things the way they are and enjoying them, knowing that this too will eventually pass.
So, this morning I got up and made homemade muffins for breakfast and relished the fact that my dearest love and I could sit for over an hour together talking, drinking tea and listening to music. There is nothing we have to do and no place we have to be. This breathing space is a blessing and one I intend to enjoy to the fullest.
And so the journey continues…
Next: Return to Paradise
But still, I often find myself frustrated with the delays in realizing my forest dream. Everything is just taking SO much longer than I had planned. Had I known at the end of December when I quit my corporate job that 3 months later I would still be in Cape Town, I would probably have completely flipped my lid! So, what, if anything, has “gone wrong”?
Well firstly, as I have decided to take responsibility for my creations, I have to accept that even the most frustrating delays are of my own making and are therefore absolutely perfect. I am no victim of circumstance, so, perhaps on some level, I am creating this breathing space, this moment in which to take stock and to prepare myself for what is coming.
And when I actually do stop, take a breath, and think about it for just a moment, I find it really difficult to explain exactly why I am in such a hurry. Everything is steadily progressing toward my stated intent, albeit slower than I had anticipated. Why am I in such a hurry to get to “the rest of my life”?
My life is right here, right now.
In addition, there are no external time limits or deadlines, other than those that I choose to impose. Is impatience merely a bad habit, a learned response that I must unlearn if I am to find lasting happiness in a new way of being?
The Buddhists tell us that, in this reality, "pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional". What they mean by this is that being human inevitably means some physical or emotional pain at some point, but that our response to that pain is what causes us to suffer or not. And most suffering is caused by resisting THAT WHICH IS.
My current “suffering” is caused by my resistance to being where I am right now and my desire to be somewhere else (ie: the forest). I am so busy rushing at top speed towards my future happiness that I have failed to notice how amazing this present moment is. And actually I have but a split second left in which to enjoy the city life. To be able to walk across the road and enjoy eating at 6 different restaurants in our street, to amble down the road to the DVD store at 9pm if I feel like watching a movie, to be within walking distance of 2 different malls, and all the other wonderful benefits of city life. I have but a few moments in which to cherish my beautiful “yuppie” home and all it’s wonderful memories before I have to hand it over to the new owners. I have a brief interlude in which to enjoy entertaining old acquaintances before moving on to my new life in which I definitely will not see them as often as in the past. Why not enjoy this moment right now instead of wishing it were over?
It’s equally useless to hanker after the past; to wish that relationships could be the way they used to be or that I could have the body I did 10 years ago. Because, of course, 10 years ago I wasn’t appreciating the body I had, but was rather focusing on all the things I needed to do in order to “improve it” in future. What a terrible waste! Right now I am the youngest I will ever be. Why not enjoy and cherish this moment? For it too will be over before I realize it. I think we do ourselves and the world a thousand small violences every day by resisting WHAT IS, rather than simply accepting things the way they are and enjoying them, knowing that this too will eventually pass.
So, this morning I got up and made homemade muffins for breakfast and relished the fact that my dearest love and I could sit for over an hour together talking, drinking tea and listening to music. There is nothing we have to do and no place we have to be. This breathing space is a blessing and one I intend to enjoy to the fullest.
And so the journey continues…
Next: Return to Paradise
Friday, March 26, 2010
Why the forest?
If you’ve been following this blog, you will by now know that my partner and myself will shortly be leaving the city to move to a beautiful piece of land in the indigenous forest on the East coast of South Africa, where we will be building a largely self-sustaining life. Several people have asked me, “Why the forest?” Indeed, why did I not choose the coast or the bushveld or the desert or any number of other natural, unspoilt areas in this beautiful country I am privileged to call home?
In order to answer this question, I would like to share with you what it is that I feel when I am in the forest. My partner and I regularly go walking on the forested slopes of Table Mountain, which is about a 10-minute drive from our city home. Below I describe my experience of a typical walk.
Shortly after commencing the walk I become very aware of my body working, my muscles stretching, my breathing deepening, blood rushing to my feet and legs as I move my body up the incline. I find myself releasing the accumulated stress of the day, and the multitude of small concerns occupying my mind diminishes with every deep breath that I take. Gradually the incessant chattering of my mind quietens and I start to take notice of the incredible beauty of my environment.
For me the forest is a perfect example of co-creation in action: each fern, moss, lichen colony, tree, plant, insect, bird, animal, not to mention the unseen micro-organisms, simply expressing themselves perfectly without concern for what the other plants and animals are doing, and yet, together forming a perfect, harmonious whole. How wonderful if we humans could each enact our greatest, most loving expression of Self in every moment without concern for how we might be judged by others (or ourselves). Imagine what an incredible co-creation could ensue if we simply embraced love as a motivator!
As my walk progresses, the forest around me starts to take on the appearance of a stage or movie set – it’s simply too intense in its “is-ness”, simply too perfect to be real. The almost psychodelic colours, the myriad textures, the richness of smells; the placement of every tiny stone and twig seems simply too perfect to have happened by chance. Somehow I can’t accept that there isn’t an incredible design, an awesome intelligence behind it all. As I walk with reverence through cathedrals of trees and gaze with awe upon delicate green lace-light filtered through living stained glass windows, I become convinced that I am in the presence of a collective intelligence – a “spirit of forest”, if you will. This is MY church, my place of worship where God seems very close.
At this point I generally become aware of myself at several different levels – my human animal body experiencing the challenge and joy of the exercise, my human personality concerned with thoughts and emotions and experiences, and then there’s another, broader perspective of myself, which encompasses the other perspectives and so much more besides. It is a version of myself that starts to experience the inter-connectedness of everything around me and to feel my own integral connection to all that I perceive. I begin to feel expanded, as if I no longer end at the borders of my body; my senses heightened, I start to experience the forest as Self, the Self as forest. My single, limited perspective multiplies to become an infinite number of perspectives. I become a part of this amazing co-creation that I perceive with my senses, but also a part of so much more that I cannot perceive with my limited human abilities. It’s as if my act of loving observation allows me to become an integral, participating, creative part of the whole. This is the closest I ever get to feeling at one with God.
Sometimes at this point I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. Tears start to course down my cheeks and I feel SO incredibly alive, SO incredibly grateful to ALL THAT IS for being a part of it all. A bubble of happiness works its way up from the pit of my stomach to explode into a riot of ecstatic, joyful, fizzing colours behind my eyes and suddenly I feel unbelievably light and free and elated. I find myself running and skipping and dancing like a child without any concern for whether I might be observed or judged by anyone around me - joyful in a way that I simply cannot replicate anywhere else.
And THAT is why I love the forest and why it is the only place in the world that I could possibly be happy to live!
Next: Coping with impatience
In order to answer this question, I would like to share with you what it is that I feel when I am in the forest. My partner and I regularly go walking on the forested slopes of Table Mountain, which is about a 10-minute drive from our city home. Below I describe my experience of a typical walk.
Shortly after commencing the walk I become very aware of my body working, my muscles stretching, my breathing deepening, blood rushing to my feet and legs as I move my body up the incline. I find myself releasing the accumulated stress of the day, and the multitude of small concerns occupying my mind diminishes with every deep breath that I take. Gradually the incessant chattering of my mind quietens and I start to take notice of the incredible beauty of my environment.
For me the forest is a perfect example of co-creation in action: each fern, moss, lichen colony, tree, plant, insect, bird, animal, not to mention the unseen micro-organisms, simply expressing themselves perfectly without concern for what the other plants and animals are doing, and yet, together forming a perfect, harmonious whole. How wonderful if we humans could each enact our greatest, most loving expression of Self in every moment without concern for how we might be judged by others (or ourselves). Imagine what an incredible co-creation could ensue if we simply embraced love as a motivator!
As my walk progresses, the forest around me starts to take on the appearance of a stage or movie set – it’s simply too intense in its “is-ness”, simply too perfect to be real. The almost psychodelic colours, the myriad textures, the richness of smells; the placement of every tiny stone and twig seems simply too perfect to have happened by chance. Somehow I can’t accept that there isn’t an incredible design, an awesome intelligence behind it all. As I walk with reverence through cathedrals of trees and gaze with awe upon delicate green lace-light filtered through living stained glass windows, I become convinced that I am in the presence of a collective intelligence – a “spirit of forest”, if you will. This is MY church, my place of worship where God seems very close.
At this point I generally become aware of myself at several different levels – my human animal body experiencing the challenge and joy of the exercise, my human personality concerned with thoughts and emotions and experiences, and then there’s another, broader perspective of myself, which encompasses the other perspectives and so much more besides. It is a version of myself that starts to experience the inter-connectedness of everything around me and to feel my own integral connection to all that I perceive. I begin to feel expanded, as if I no longer end at the borders of my body; my senses heightened, I start to experience the forest as Self, the Self as forest. My single, limited perspective multiplies to become an infinite number of perspectives. I become a part of this amazing co-creation that I perceive with my senses, but also a part of so much more that I cannot perceive with my limited human abilities. It’s as if my act of loving observation allows me to become an integral, participating, creative part of the whole. This is the closest I ever get to feeling at one with God.
Sometimes at this point I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. Tears start to course down my cheeks and I feel SO incredibly alive, SO incredibly grateful to ALL THAT IS for being a part of it all. A bubble of happiness works its way up from the pit of my stomach to explode into a riot of ecstatic, joyful, fizzing colours behind my eyes and suddenly I feel unbelievably light and free and elated. I find myself running and skipping and dancing like a child without any concern for whether I might be observed or judged by anyone around me - joyful in a way that I simply cannot replicate anywhere else.
And THAT is why I love the forest and why it is the only place in the world that I could possibly be happy to live!
Next: Coping with impatience
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