Friday, May 21, 2010

Moving on

For me this is a time of endings, a time of nostalgia, a time for farewells.

My next blog posting will be written in our new rental forest home and between then and now lies a rather daunting to-do list, not to mention an exhausting list of concerns and anxieties about the move. We’re not just moving 500km away to a new town; we’re actually moving an eternity away to a whole new reality.

Suddenly, after all the months of talking about it and preparing for it, the time has finally come for us to start creating and living this new reality we have dreamed of for so long. Although there is a great deal of uncertainty and some fear about our new life, we have already mostly disconnected ourselves from our old life and we find ourselves in a rather unsettling place, betwixt and between.

As this weekend will be our very last in the city, we had planned to enjoy the best that city life has to offer. However, when we sat down to plan the weekend, we both realized that there was absolutely nothing we wanted to do other than stay home and cook a quiet meal, to be eaten amidst the piles of boxes. Just as well, I suppose. It would have been rather problematic if we still hankered after the city life.

However, there is still some attachment left to the old life. It’s quite amazing to discover how very closely I have identified myself with my home and I find myself experiencing periodic anxiety about whether the new owners will take good care of the pool, the garden and whether their furniture will look good in “my” home and worrying about whether they will repaint the walls which I so lovingly and painstakingly painted myself with specially selected textured paint. I know I have to relinquish my attachment to this house. I guess I’m really experiencing first-hand the suffering caused by what the Buddhists refer to as “attachment to form”. It’s been so interesting to note that every single possession I have released, from my home to my car to my clothing to my furniture etc was something that, once upon a time, I specially chose and loved very much. However, there comes a time when we have to release every last thing, including ideas and thought-forms and abstractions. And our attachment to those things, our identification of ourselves with those things, is what causes us pain and suffering.

I suppose mostly what I am having to let go of right now are the final vestiges of the previous ideas I had of myself; the go-getter, the yuppie, the “successful”, busy, upwardly mobile career person. I don’t really know who the new me is, but I need to create the space for her to come into being and the only way to do that is to finally discard all of the old.

I am suddenly acutely aware of the fact that I really am taking a leap into the complete unknown with only my heart to guide me home.

During the past few weeks, as I’ve said my final goodbyes to friends and family, I have been aware that several of these goodbyes will, in fact, be goodbye forever. My journey is taking me in a certain direction and I know that, despite their good intentions to visit, many will find that their own life journey simply makes this a remote possibility. So there’s been a lot of sadness and grieving for what was, but also a lot of reflection and many beautiful memories of journeys undertaken with some very special people.

So, now… here I am… standing on the edge of the cliff, with a very thin bungee cord attached to my ankles… waiting for the moment… heart pounding with excitement and a touch of fear….

Three, two, one… BUNGEEEEEEE…….

Next: First 10 days in Paradise

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Not bungee, the elastic gives you diving and landing in an amazing new reality. Thinking of you, Midge

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