Thursday, June 10, 2010

Adapting to my new reality

Up till now I have spoken a lot about all the amazing and wonderful aspects of living my forest dream. And all of this remains true. However, for the sake of honesty and a balanced perspective, I have decided to report back on some of the difficulties I have been experiencing over the past few weeks.

I suppose the first, and least significant challenge, has to do with the lack of externally imposed structure, boundaries or sense of purpose. It is surprisingly difficult to decide what to do when faced with a completely empty day with nothing which one HAS to do, when one is accustomed to having the entire day mapped out in hectic activities, responsibilities and general busy-ness! Also, because we are really “off the beaten track”, it’s simply not realistic to jump into the pick-up at a moment’s notice and rush off to town to find some entertainment or distraction. We plan our trips to town so as to ensure that we don’t waste fuel and time and we always have a well-stocked pantry so that there is food for at least a month in case the river comes down in flood and we need to survive for a period of time without a visit to the supermarket. In any case, the town of Knysna is really small and does not offer big-city entertainments. However, I have started to discover the joys of vegetable gardening, baking, stargazing, walking with no destination in mind, photography and just simply chatting and connecting in front of the fire with new friends and my dear partner. Also, there is the odd excitement, such as a helicopter flip with the neighbour this morning and the need to rake the driveway of our 2ha property or pull up alien vegetation from time to time! So, this challenge is actually a minor one that I am starting to resolve for myself.

By far a bigger challenge is the nagging sense of discomfort I have that something HAS to go wrong soon. I guess that somewhere deep in my programming is a hidden belief that it’s just not permissible for humans to have this much happiness and freedom to do EXACTLY what they want in every moment. Somewhere, somehow, there has to be a payback. Could it be that I find it easier to believe in a reality that is an uphill toil rather than an easy, fun, relaxed reality?

This belief is also manifesting in a fear that I am, due to some external calamity or something I have forgotten about or miscalculated, going to have to leave here before I want to. It’s almost as if I can’t relax and fully enjoy this amazing place and experience because I am afraid that it will somehow be “taken away” from me or end abruptly before I am ready, or before I have fully experienced all I wish to experience. This is actually spoiling my enjoyment of this incredible reality I have worked so hard to create.

My dear Zingdad helped somewhat by reminding me that living this perfect, beautiful life in this incredible place is not what my journey is actually about. The journey is actually about following my heart toward my purpose. It is important to remember that this is a journey and NOT a destination. My life in this magnificent place is simply the current manifestation of that journey. It is absolutely guaranteed that we will not stay here forever and that things WILL change, even if only because we are currently renting this place and will soon start to build our own home on our own piece of land! If I attach myself to this place then I am guaranteed to experience pain and suffering when I have to leave. Change is inevitable.

Attachment causes suffering. I know this. And yet I keep feeling the temptation to attach myself to something external to myself. I suppose it’s because I have really cut myself adrift from all my previous ties. Even if I found them extremely constricting to my growth, they were comforting and provided a sense of being somehow anchored in the world. I have the most disconcerting feeling of lightness, of disconnectedness, of unreality. How surprising it is to discover how dependent and even, addicted, I have been to externally imposed structures, routines, expectations, restrictions and definitions of Self! It seems to be a frightening thing indeed to create ones own sense of Self with no external input. However, every time I try to create a routine, boundary or restriction in my new reality, I find myself kicking against it, despite my uncomfortable feelings of being adrift.

Perhaps it’s necessary to simply sit in the fire of these challenges for a while without rushing to try and find quick-fix solutions.

It has not escaped my attention that I could interpret all this as me creating problems simply because my life is so free of any real difficulties or challenges! However, I think a more appropriate interpretation would be that Zingdad and myself have created this reality without any real troubles or worries so that we can spend our time and energy focusing on our real journey toward Self instead on focusing on any perceived lack or difficulty that might serve as a distraction.

And, in the vast, magnificent stillness of this place, I detect the quiet unfolding of some new, and fragile, and infinitely precious thing within my heart.

And so the journey continues…

Next: The Big Con

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Life is in constant flux;it never stands still . Those moments that give you what you want are priceless and should be relished! When you work so hard and reach your goals then enjoy them. But you and Zingdad have taken it one step further by inviting people into your live's thru the internet. So many of my questions have been answered by Zingdads papers and you give it further demension from your points. So ThankYou both for teaching me so much and I wish you all the best in your future!

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