Friday, January 29, 2010

Being here NOW

I simply cannot believe that I stopped working 4 weeks ago! People keep asking me how I am occupying my time and I can quite easily find some trite response or other; but the reality is that I really don’t know. I am reading a lot, thinking a great deal, writing, hiking, meditating, spending time with my partner talking about many things, but there is no way that the time collectively spent on these activities could possibly account for 28 whole days. The previous me would have been concerned that I would have found this new life extremely boring, but somehow that just isn’t my current experience of my reality.

Every now and then I feel a bit anxious because I haven’t really achieved anything (other than a deep sense of relaxation and contentment!) Of course I have reached many new understandings about myself and I have been through several processes of releasing old ways of being, but what have I really accomplished? And then I remember that that is an old thought - a thought no longer relevant to me. There is no externally imposed measure of accomplishment anymore. My measure of accomplishment is how I feel about my life and myself in this moment. And that is… pretty darn good!

So what are our new lives like? Well firstly, structure and routine are gradually disappearing from our lives. I never wear a watch anymore and I find that mostly I don’t even know what day of the week it is, not to mention what time it is. I eat when I’m hungry and sleep when I’m tired without concerning myself about the time of day. This often means that I have breakfast cereal at noon and lunch at 7pm and only go to sleep at around 2am. Our bodies are gradually settling into their own, natural rhythms now that we are not forcing them to conform to the demands of a working life.

The days are all merging into one another. Time has become more fluid, more flexible. I find that an hour can pass by in a moment or a minute can feel like an age. Time is measured now in activities and interests, in realizations and connections. I find that I am becoming better able to enter into the “is-ness” of each moment and actually experience it far more fully and deeply than before. Without the pressure of keeping to a schedule or the need for specific outcomes to be achieved, I can be far more present in the NOW.

Interestingly, the theme I chose for 2010 was:

I am here NOW.

My current reality is definitely starting to reinforce and reflect this decision. I am really starting to understand that here-now is the only reality that truly counts and that my entire life takes place in this moment, here-now. The shifting sands of my memories are unreliable foundations upon which to build my current reality. So often the clear memories we have of people and events are distorted by time and by the stories we tell ourselves in order to make sense out of our experiences. Equally, the future doesn’t exist either. It is simply a thought in the here-now. So, really, all we have is this moment. Doesn’t it make sense then to experience this moment as deeply and fully as we possibly can?

By fully entering into the here-now, I have started to identify the first steps along the path to finding an authentic expression of Self. I have started to suspect that the way to find, and express, my true purpose is to go within my Self in this eternal moment of NOW and not to search outside of myself for something that might happen in the future. In the here-now I find the truest, most authentic version of Self and probably the most meaningful and purposeful too.

And so the journey continues…

Next: Update

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